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Thread: John Cleese´s letter to the USA

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    John Cleese´s letter to the USA

    John Cleese's letter to the USA



    To the citizens of the United States of America :

    In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

    Your new prime minister (Tony Blair will step down June 27), Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up 'aluminium,' and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' And 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise.'

    3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

    3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England . The name of the county is ' Devon .' If you persist in calling it Devonshire , all American states will become 'shires' e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.

    4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary'). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is unacceptable and an inefficient form of communication.

    5.There is no such thing as 'US English.' We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'

    6. You will relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save The Queen', but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

    7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England . It will be called 'Come-Uppance Day.'

    8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling 'gasoline') - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

    13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called 'crisps.' Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

    14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

    15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as 'beer,' and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as 'Lager.' American brands will be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,' so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    17. You will cease playing American 'football.' There is only one kind of proper football; you call it 'soccer'. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American 'football', but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

    19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

    Thank you for your co-operation.

    John Cleese

  2. #2
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    Re: John Cleese´s letter to the USA

    Excuse me? This is relevant how? I mean, I realize this is the surface interval forum and all but still. If you want to discuss politics, find a political board.

    Brian

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    Re: John Cleese´s letter to the USA

    :D :D :D :D :D
    Being a fan of SOME of the british humor and especially John Cleese it certanly made me laugh...

    Cheers

  4. #4
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    Re: John Cleese´s letter to the USA

    Quote Originally Posted by Benthic  View Original Post
    Excuse me? This is relevant how? I mean, I realize this is the surface interval forum and all but still. If you want to discuss politics, find a political board.

    Brian
    You are American, right?


    /Roger

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    Re: John Cleese´s letter to the USA


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    Re: John Cleese´s letter to the USA

    Stop this now, it will only end in tears!!!

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    Re: John Cleese´s letter to the USA

    Quote Originally Posted by onetime  View Original Post
    Hmmm...thanks for the info. Can't give full credit to John Cleese then, but funny anyway.;)

  8. #8
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    Re: John Cleese´s letter to the USA

    That was, like funny. You know you forgot to add f**k to the list of verbal ticks.
    Hey you sure you want to be responsible for this mess, I think we are going down the toilet fast, as our next president will discover. And George fiddles as rome burns.
    As for football see below...A country who brought the semi athletic activity "cricket" to the world certainly has nothing to say about sports. Rugby is a sport for crazed MEN, I'll give you that.
    Last edited by fireman; 16th August 2007 at 19:26. Reason: sports

  9. #9
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    Re: John Cleese´s letter to the USA

    Quote Originally Posted by rogeringebo  View Original Post
    You are American, right?


    /Roger

    How'd you guess?

    Brian

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    Re: John Cleese´s letter to the USA

    I've seen John Cleese's letter before and I think it's pretty funny, actually. Americans please note before going off half-cocked that he does have a few jabs against merry old England in there. And lastly if we're going to craft any sort of meaningful retort, let's try and do so cleverly without playing right into the stereotypes that got us here in the first place ...

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